The following speech is what I gave at MOPS on March 8, 2013:
Hi, my name is Jamie. I am only 24 years old, but have been through more in my life than people realize. Here is a little background about me before I begin my testimony this morning. I was born in Oklahoma in August of 1988. My dad was in the Air Force until my senior year of high school. Growing up in the military I felt as if it prepared me for this Marine Corps wife life I live today. I met my husband when I was 17 about to turn 18. We had a long distance relationship the whole year and 6 days before we got married. We got married in August of 2007. I was only 18 and Tom, my husband was 19. We knew from the first several times we talked on the phone that we were going to be together forever. Over the year and 6 days from us meeting to our wedding day, we only saw each other 31 days in person which was sparatic and spread out through that time. 2 days after our wedding, he had to fly back to Virginia for some training, where I was to move that very next week. You learn a lot about yourself and what you are capable of when you are alone the majority of the time. A few months into our marriage in November, I had a near death experience on my way home from work. I got into a really bad car accident. My seatbelt saved my life. My car caught on fire immediately...while I was in it!! I was able to get out but grabbed nothing but my cell phone. Everything burned in the car except I was able to salvage my drivers liscense and cards that were in my burnt purse. Oh yeah and 2 days after this happened Tom left on his first deployment. In August of 2008, our car got broken into in our apartment complex. To be quite honest, we did not live in a safe area. I moved home in November 08 after he left for his 2nd deployment. We moved out here to Camp Pendleton in June of 2009 and have resided here ever since.
We got pregnant in February 2010. He left for his 3rd deployment in May. Levi was born in November. He didn’t come back until 5 weeks and 2 days after Levi came into the world in December. Most of you in here probably had your husband there for the pregnancy and birth of your child. Let me tell you, it’s not easy having your husband miss the birth of your child you made together...even more-so the first born child. Unfortunately, he was not there for the most significant things that included that pregnancy. He had just left the day before I found out I was pregnant. He was on deployment when I found out what I was having and the birth. And he was on his most recent deployment when Levi took his first steps 5 days after he left in December 2011.
When I found out I was pregnant this past October, he was there for it. I hollered down the hallway from the bathroom at him for him to see what I was seeing. It was positive!!!! We both did the math really fast in our heads and figured out that he was going to be here for the whole thing, including the birth! My inlaws came in town 2 days later for his little brother’s boot camp graduation from MCRD in San Diego. We told them right when they got here. It was late at night when they arrived but we were so anxious to tell them so we did. The next day, when we were driving down to MCRD, I posted to Facebook that we were expecting. Something in my head told me “no just wait. Wait until you see it for real on an ultrasound.” but did I listen..nope. I just wanted the world to know almost as soon as we knew. Over the next month and a half, I was gaining weight, had the hormones, nausea..everything. What I experienced on November 19th, is something I never want to go through with again. The doctor puts in the internal ultrasound, and looks around. Then there is my uterus on the screen. Nothing in it but a deflated sac. I had miscarried. You have got to be kidding me I thought. What a nightmare! It was an out of body experience like I was a fly on the wall experiencing someone elses life. But it was mine. This was reality. The baby that I had come to love already was no more. This can not be happening. It was perfect timing. Tom was going to be here and experience what every daddy to be should be there for. After the 2 doctors left the silent room, Tom gave me a hug and a kiss and said that he was sorry. He clearly didn’t know what to say and neither did I. We went to the doctor’s office after I got dressed. She gave me the options to complete the process of the miscarriage. Tom and I unanimously chose the pill option which I was to pick up from the pharmacy and take it home. The 4 pills I put up me called cytotec were to dialate my cervix so everything can come out. I dreaded this but I knew I had to do it.
On Thanksgiving that Thursday, my lower back started acting up. I thought, well that’s strange maybe I slept wrong or something. I just took some tylenol to dull the pain, which it didn’t really do. The next day I could barely walk. This was to be the beginning of a long 6 weeks of recovery. On Saturday, my pain was even worse. It felt like my hip was fractured or something. I couldn’t stand this pain anymore. Also on this day, was when the miscarriage decided to come out. We went to the ER. I almost passed out because how much blood there was. I won’t be too graphic, but I couldn’t even wear a pad for a few minutes without bleeding through my pad, through my pants and onto the chair at the ER. I felt like I was in Junior High again not knowing how to control this blood. When I was getting examined in my private area, the final clot came out which the Doctor believed was the sac. I had 4 clots a little smaller than a baseball all within the few hours of being at the ER. At my follow up appointment, on Monday, my OB, diagnosed my problem as a sciatic nerve problem. Why it was acting up? She didn’t have an answer. But we both concluded it was more than likely because of the past week’s whole process. I didn’t even know what this nerve was, but I definitely did my research and now I know. Tom left for 29 Palms the day of my follow-up so he wasn’t able to go. My mom had taken emergency leave from her job and flew out here. She was amazing to have out here helping me with Levi and even did all my laundry for me. I did not want her to leave. She eventually did have to leave though after 11 days of being here. When she left, it was a whole new experience because I was now alone, practically immobile I felt, with a very active 2 year old. Between when my mom left and Tom came home was about 10 days. And those 10 days were the darkest most depressing days I have ever had in my life. We all lose it sometimes, and to be honest I have never yelled and cussed that much in my life. I just let Levi wreck the house. Oh and the hotel room we had to stay in while they did the fumigation in my house and the surrounding ones on my street. I wanted to die. But then I thought well I at least have to wait until Tom gets home so someone can take care of Levi. That’s so sad.
God and I had many conversations. Some of them I was asking him why this had to happen. I was a healthy, active, bubbly 24 year old female with no health problems. Why would this happen? Tom and I didn’t deserve this hurt and pain that we still deal with today. Other conversations I praised him as hard as it was because I knew this was a trial that was going to teach me something so I can be a testimony to others going through this. Psalm 147:3 says He heals the broken-hearted and binds up their wounds. Another verse says in Jeremiah 17:14 says Heal me O LORD, and I will be healed; save me and I will be saved, for you are the one I praise! And finally Romans 8:18 says For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worth comparing with the glory that is to be revealed to us! The LORD has a plan for us. We don’t know what it is just yet, but I trust him. He is in control!!
My life is a beautiful mess. Yours is too I bet. Things come up in life that we don't necessary plan for, like random occurrence of projectile vomit everywhere in the car by your toddler and having to make an unwanted but very much needed trip to Wal-Mart for a whole new set of clothes for the little tot. Another example may be waking up to a sick pet or child unexpectedly in the middle of the night. All of these have which happened to me fairly recently. Life is fun. Scary. Unpredictable. No two person's stories are the same. Trials come and go to make us stronger. Before we go through them and also during, we think how am I going to get through this?! In the end, we are glad we got through whatever it may be safe and alive! 
Being pregnant with a toddler is something that I am learning to cope with every day. Hormones are all over the place, but yet I have a sweet little guy who depends on me to keep him alive. No energy, no problem. We have days, which I am not proud of, but we will just sit and watch Netflix or movies all day and cuddle. Sometimes he will pull all of his toys out and there won't be any where to walk but it's ok because he is having a good time. Of course I would not want anyone to show up unexpectedly because then I would be thinking that their impression of me as a SAHM is bad. We are happy in our own little bubble just Mommy and Levi...until nap time. The time of the day that I pray goes smoothly next to bed time of course. And it's the time that he fights me the most. I yell, I scream, and spank when needed for him to take a nap because he needs it and so do I. That is definitely our weak spot right now. Sometimes I wish he had an off button. Not even kidding. Super smart little boy but sometimes I just need my quiet time to think or just chill out without being bothered. I don't think it's a bad thing to want quiet. I love him so much, but sometimes I need the me time so I don't go bonkers on him!! LOL. Today he fought me so stinkin' hard to nap. I yelled, I spanked, ignored him until he finally fell asleep. So when he wakes up I will reward him and apologize to him but say how when I say it's quiet time he needs to listen..I sound like a broken record all day. "Levi sit down. Be quiet. Get out of the dog's water!! Please come sit with me. Nap-time. Be quiet. etc...." For the mom's reading this I'm sure you understand what I'm talking about. It's a mess raising a toddler. A beautiful mess!
Now let's talk about the "mommy war" as I have recently heard it called. Some moms I know do mostly fresh or organic diet. Me, I have the BIGGEST weakness for fast food. It's fast and convenient. Not necessarily healthy, but it will cure my hunger and Levi's right then and there :) Another topic is breastfeeding vs. formula. For me breast is best! Some other people choose formula for whatever reason. That's fine for them. I prefer my own supply for many reasons. Cloth or disposable. Save the planet with cloth, but disposable are so much more convenient. For this one, I'm half and half. I tried cloth with Levi and loved it until he started breaking out and I couldn't figure out why until I looked it up and it was because my cloth diapers needed to be "stripped". What in the world is that? And why is this important? Now I know. The ammonia and urine builds up even if you wash them regularly. Oh now I get it! So with this little boy growing inside me I will try and start over again. I enjoyed it and now I plan to be better at it. It's a mommy war out there with what is better for your child. Moms judging other moms for their choices. It's hard not to. I have done it, but then I think well it's their child and if that's the way they want to raise them then let them as long as the child grows up big and strong, the choices made are not any of my business!! My mommyhood has, is and is continuing to be a beautiful mess!!
